On behalf of my fellow domestic felines worldwide, I would like to present you with ways to avoid violation of our
rule of the claw. These are common human behaviors we have observed throughout the centuries. Read on, and please desist cease and desist the annoying behaviors listed below. Aid us in enforcing our superior cat dominance for a more purrfect planet Earth.
The first, most important, and, we fear, most common offense has to be getting a dog. Why on earth would you want a slobbery, hairy, mangy, dirty beast when you already have a cat? Now, if the dog was already there, that might be excusable- if you stop it from stealing our food, chasing us, ruining our toys, and barking. However, and here I play devil’s advocate, cat-owned households should not adopt a dog for the dog’s sake. What dog, especially a puppy, really wants to be terrorized by sharp cat claws and fangs, anyway?
Second, do not invite your dog-lover friends to our homes with their pooch(es). That can’t go down well for any of us. Even if no one gets hurt physically, why subject us to a growl/hiss fest between animals? You won’t
be able to hear a word of their long-winded rant about how dogs are superior to cats, or anything else they say. Not that we felines approve of that nauseating dribble, but it is nice for you to be able to make out their arguments in order to prepare a counter-attack.
Third, do not try to treat us like dogs. If you try to teach your kitten to “Heel”, you’ll find it’s you who has to heal from its claws and bites to your feet. Also, we don’t want to learn how to catch a Frisbee, and we don’t need a bath from you. Slow learner? Please invest in a large lifetime supply of bandages. You’ll need them on your delicate skin.
Fourth, we hate having to restrict your TV privileges, but certain shows have just got to go. Especially that nauseating flick “Pick a Puppy” (see offense number one). The old favorite “The Littlest Hobo” is almost as bad. Come on, your feline friends would gladly lay down their nine lives for you. And please, don’t turn on “Scooby-Doo” or “Pound Puppies” for the little ones. Ever.
Fifth, making your cat wait for food. I mean, seriously, isn’t your cat’s tummy much more important than sleeping in past 4 am? Of course, it is.
Sixth, not sharing human treats we both like. Now, we do concede that nutritious cat food is all your cat really needs. But please, have a heart and give us a bit of chicken, fish, or seafood once in a while. A little spot of milk in the cat’s bowl as you put a drop in your coffee is not an unreasonable request. After all, how would you like to never eat dessert or junk food ever again? You still don’t get the point? Okay, we’re sending you a lifetime supply of tofu, seaweed, and rice in tomorrow’s mail. When you see that big 300-pound package heavy enough to give the fat courier a heart attack, thank us. We’ll purr back.
Seventh. interfering with your cat’s sleep is a capital offense. If we want you to sleep with us. we expect you to do it. Likewise, if we want you to leave your cozy bed and sleep somewhere else, we expect immediate and unquestioning compliance. Just remember, that queen-sized bed actually belongs to your cat. That means the cat sleeps wherever he or she wants to on the bed, with plenty of space and blankets. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, your body temperature matters only insofar as it contributes to the cat’s cozy slumber.
Eighth, please do not dress up your cat. We spend 10 hours a day on grooming, so we know how to look good. Those stupid Christmas costumes? We like them even less than the dog does.
Ninth, do not freak out when we hunt the birds outside. Sorry if this offends you, but it’s only instinct. Just lock us up and spoil us indoors. Get rid of the budgies yourself, or we will do it for you. Ditto the goldfish. As for the mice, come on. They are pests, not pets, even if you did buy them at the pet store. Let us eat them and thank us for the favor. And while we’re on the subject of rodents, don’t get a hamster if you have a cat- unless you want to buy us a live hors d’oeuvre. To us, the whole rodent population is just juicy steak still running around.
Tenth, please control your kids. Toddlers pulling our fur, tails, and whiskers can get to be a bit much after a while. Teaching your small fry to respect cats and other creatures early on is sure to save everybody big trouble down the